25th April - Who's playing whom?

What a week. Ness has just visited and we have had a fantastic time. We talked and talked and it has felt like we have gelled again. I have said that I want to start again and put the past behind us. I feel so different now, so completely calm. I haven't seen her for 3 months, and what a change. I still feel incredibly attracted to her.

I am going to move house and try to get away from the life here which is so hard. I am so sick of not being able to shower in my own house, and even just turn on the tap inside, to make a drink. I feel that the move is absolutely the right thing, and at least I will be so much closer to the port so it is easier for her to visit.

She joked that before she came out she has decided to finish it, and now she has to go back and tell people that we are still on. I am overjoyed.

As she drives away from me, as she leaves to go home she tells me that she thinks we are going to be OK.

I am skipping along, packing my boxes.

14th April - There's the rub

It is apparent now why my arrangement for no contact with Ness was so well received.

I have heard today that she is finished with me. She wants to move on, have her own life. What I don't understand is why there was no discussion with me about this process. It's as if we have gone from January where she had a near death experience and she suddenly felt like life was so precious and she wanted to be with me, we just had to work out the logistics.

No matter that I had already had my own near death experience in December breaking my leg in the freezing weather and the dark. It's odd that this did not change anything for her!

Well I have told her that I don't want to end it and I want to talk about it. She has agreed and so I look forward to her visit, in a few days.

4th April - Has spring left it behind?

Now.

I haven't spoken to my partner for 17 days.

To me it feels odd. I feel a lack of pressure and disappointment, but at the same time I feel there is a block of my life missing, that nothing else will fill. It's strange, owning this gap. Time fades memories, experiences, recounts of true events, but when I am bludgeoned by the reality of how harsh life can be, it takes up space that in my mind should be filled with pleasantries and pleasure.

This is why, I can only assume, that at times when an ordinary person may feel content in their task I am overtaken with grief. Grieving for the lost intimacy, the secluded touches that penetrate the mind and soul. Words sometimes unspoken that fill the heart with warmth and stature.

I yearn for the tenderness that comes with a relationship borne out of sexual desire, the closeness that beckons when two people share the most intimate space together, an energy and a passing designed for just one person to share with another. A space connected with sounds, smells and knowledge which cannot be explained, the gaps of silence filled with safe wanting and yet a satisfaction which does not need explanation. I have lost this along my journey.

The gap created deafens me every day, shouting and waving like a demented soul drowning in the need. I have, I believe the life now that many would search for if it were possible for them to imagine. I am surrounded by beauty and simplicity that nature provides, a humbleness that needs no justification. It dulls unnecessary desire but drives the needs to share what is seen, which otherwise is almost wasted.

I battle with the solitude in the hope that one day it will flourish, producing a well rounded person with more an echo of morality and self worth than what was present when I first came here.

I live, I dream, I hope.