Sunday, April 5, 2009

4th April - Has spring left it behind?

Now.

I haven't spoken to my partner for 17 days.

To me it feels odd. I feel a lack of pressure and disappointment, but at the same time I feel there is a block of my life missing, that nothing else will fill. It's strange, owning this gap. Time fades memories, experiences, recounts of true events, but when I am bludgeoned by the reality of how harsh life can be, it takes up space that in my mind should be filled with pleasantries and pleasure.

This is why, I can only assume, that at times when an ordinary person may feel content in their task I am overtaken with grief. Grieving for the lost intimacy, the secluded touches that penetrate the mind and soul. Words sometimes unspoken that fill the heart with warmth and stature.

I yearn for the tenderness that comes with a relationship borne out of sexual desire, the closeness that beckons when two people share the most intimate space together, an energy and a passing designed for just one person to share with another. A space connected with sounds, smells and knowledge which cannot be explained, the gaps of silence filled with safe wanting and yet a satisfaction which does not need explanation. I have lost this along my journey.

The gap created deafens me every day, shouting and waving like a demented soul drowning in the need. I have, I believe the life now that many would search for if it were possible for them to imagine. I am surrounded by beauty and simplicity that nature provides, a humbleness that needs no justification. It dulls unnecessary desire but drives the needs to share what is seen, which otherwise is almost wasted.

I battle with the solitude in the hope that one day it will flourish, producing a well rounded person with more an echo of morality and self worth than what was present when I first came here.

I live, I dream, I hope.

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